false alarm. still invincible.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
