god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
