I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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