how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
