You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
