Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
