your parents love me but you hate me
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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