I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I know her cup size but not her name....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
