The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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