i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
