I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
