guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
