go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
