yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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