ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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