We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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