this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
