Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
