I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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