I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
