Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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