In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
