i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
