I'm going to jail i love you
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Still dying that you shit outside
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
