our cab driver is having phone sex.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
