cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You ruined the universe
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
