I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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