The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he puts the penis in happiness.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
