Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
