Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
