so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
