if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
