I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
