Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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