I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
