i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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