Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
