I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i think i have two assholes
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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