Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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