I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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