nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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