Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
