I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
