go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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