My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
