Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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