You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
