Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
