Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
