I faked an abortion last night.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I want to fling myself into the sun
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
