Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
