Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
